Truly Scary Halloween Costumes

I have concluded that Halloween stores offer only two options for women's costumes:
1. Look like a horror movie character.
2. Look like a slut.

Is it just me or is it difficult to find a Halloween costume that is appropriate? As I've gotten older, it seems that a lot of girls have used Halloween as an opportunity to dress iffy. When did that start? I don't remember that phenomena when I was a teenager. Maybe I was too busy trick-or-treating to notice the change. Either way, it is alarming.

I like dressing up because it's a fun thing to do with the kids. However, when I started researching what was available, I found that my options were incredibly limited. I couldn't imagine walking around my church's harvest festival dressed as some slutty version of Snow White! Where's the happy medium? If anyone has a resource for tasteful, cute costumes, please chime in.

Oh So Sorry...

Ok, I haven't posted in a long time. I could give you a laundry list of legitimate excuses but I won't bore you with those.  Needless to say, I am crazy busy.  I will be posting again (one day), just stand by. Also, I have a bad case of writer's block. If anyone has any good ideas for a blog entry (emphasis on the word "good"), please throw them my way.

In the meantime, enjoy the picture below. Bel Air gets it, why can't the rest of the world?

Asian Moms Know Best

It was your average Saturday night. As part of Bryce’s prep for bed, he took a bath and I sat in the bathroom to keep him company (all very typical). The calm before the storm, some would say. Suddenly out of left field, Bryce hit me with:

Bryce- Mom, what is sex?
Me- Uhhh...
Bryce- I know that there are two types of sex. One is where you are either male or female. The other is the love between a Mommy and Daddy, right?
Me- Yes, that’s right. Who told you this? (Remind me to thank them with a muffin gift basket later)

Time out!!! Let’s get a few things straight- I wasn’t expecting this conversation for another year or two. In addition, I did not envision myself being the one delivering “the talk”. Okay, back to the dialogue.

Me- Well, yes.
Bryce- Do you and Daddy have sex?

Holy crap, he went for the jugular on this one. Not only was I being asked to define sex, I had to explain my personal involvement. Red Alert! SOS! Gosh, anything, just help me! I was at a crossroads. I could tell my son the truth, make up a happy lie, or change the subject. I quickly weighed my options and proceeded.

Me- Uhhh... Are you excited about having pasta salad for dinner tomorrow?
Bryce- Do you and Daddy have sex?
Me- Um, yeah. But aren’t you excited about Momma making pasta salad?
Bryce- Oh yes! I can’t wait. (Then he starts talking about his love for pasta salad)

Yeah, that’s right- I changed the subject. Don’t judge me; I did what any good Asian mother would do. If I have learned nothing from my culture, it’s that if you don’t know what to say, then say something vague so it redirects the conversation. What would you have done?

Back to school

Let me first start with apologizing for not blogging in a while. It's been busy. Ok, here we go.

It's that time of the year! It's back to school time! And with it comes a lot of back to school shopping. I love this part about school, always have. Oh the thrill of new pens, binders and alas... a new backpack. You can always tell the moms who are on a school supply mission. They look confused as they try to decipher the difference between wide ruled and college ruled paper or find a box of 48 count crayons in sea of 24 count boxes. Tightly clinching to a crumpled list of endless items, back to school moms continue to wander the store until they cross of every item off their list. While shopping, I made a couple observations:

1. Why do glue sticks come in packs of 2, when we are only required to have one? Every year, I have to buy one too many. I always say that I'm going to save the glue stick for the next school year, but I never do.
2. What is so special about Ticonderoga pencils? Teachers always specify that they want that brand, but it's always sold out.
3. A box of kleenex was on the list. If every kid has to bring a box, that's like 25 boxes! I didn't realized kids went through that stuff so quickly. What happened to just wiping your nose on your sleeve?

To all my moms who have kids going back to school, I wish I could give you a bouquet of freshly sharpened pencils (Ticonderoga brand, of course).

Kiss the Cook

When I was working, I didn’t realize that my cooking repertoire offered very little variety. The three dishes that I knew how to make well were pasta with marinara sauce, tacos and grilled chicken with rice. They each took roughly 45 minutes to make and the ingredients were constantly available in my cupboards. It was an easy answer for a mom on the go. Now that I am a SAHM, I assumed that serving these three dishes only would get very old with my family. As a result, I quickly researched new recipes.

My cousin (a fellow SAHM) shared a clever idea for obtaining recipes. She goes to the library and checks out cookbooks and makes copies of the recipes that are keepers. The key is to look for books that highlight cooking on a budget for large families. The Something Extra app and Big Oven app on my iPhone are my new BFFs. Without them, I would probably be serving my family canned corn and oatmeal on the nights that I wasn’t making my standby recipes. As a result, I have made all kinds of wonderful things that I would never considered making in the past like pot roast (below is an incredible recipe). While I am still learning, I am thoroughly enjoying the journey to culinary prowess.

Hearty Pot Roast with Vegetables
1 large boneless chuck roast
1/2 cup flour
2 tbsp. vegetable oil
2 stalks celery, sliced
2 small yellow squash, halved and sliced
1 large onion, peeled and cut into 8 wedges
1 cup peeled baby carrots
1/4 cup fine dry bread crumbs
1 cup beef broth
1/4 cup red wine
1 tsp. rosemary
1/2 tsp. herbes de Provence or Italian herb seasoning
1/2 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. pepper
1/2 cup cold water

Preheat oven to 350ºF. Dredge meat well with flour and brown in hot oil on all sides; reserve
excess flour. Place meat in a large Dutch oven with vegetables. Sprinkle with bread crumbs. Pour broth and wine over all. Add seasonings. Cover and bake for 3 hours or until meat is tender. Remove meat and vegetables from pan and place pan over burner on low heat. Add water to remaining flour and stir until smooth. Slowly add to hot drippings, adding just enough to thicken, stirring constantly. Remove from heat and serve with meat and vegetables.

Makes 6 servings.

Zeum

When in San Francisco, check out Zeum. It is an interactive children's museum that allows kids to combine both technology and art. My favorite activity was creating a clay-mation cartoon. Other activities include using photoshop to modify your picture, making a movie, karaoke, and drawing with lights.

Located in the Yerba Buena Gardens, Zeum is only steps away from an amazing playground (with one of the steepest slides ever), bowling alley, ice skating rink, and carrousel. There are plenty of options for the entire family.

We went on a special day when admission and carrousel rides were free. It was great to look around and get the flavor of the place without spending any money. Typically expect to spend at least $50 when you figure in parking, admission, snacks, etc. Don't let the price tag scare you off. Take the trip out to Zeum and create lasting memories for both you and your kids.

221 Fourth Street (@ Howard Street)
San Francisco, CA 94103
415.820.3320
info@zeum.org

Hot Fun in the Summertime

This summer, we bought season passes to the Folsom Aquatic Center. What better way to beat the summer heat and get out of the house? We love our visits there. Gavin walks around the water and plays in the fountains. Bryce rides the big water slides and jumps off the diving board. I love to watch people.

The majority of the pool goers are normal families. Yet there are some who make people watching enjoyable like Speedo guy, junior highers looking for love, and over-tanned moms. Speedo Guy, if you are reading this blog, please wear trunks. This isn't Europe. Junior high love connection, if you have somehow stumbled across this blog, calm down. You're too young to find Mr. Right at the public pool. Overtanned moms, if you are reading this blog (while tanning), escape to the shade and quickly apply some SPF 90! A healthy, bronze glow is one thing, but leathery skin is quite another. If you insist upon looking unnaturally dark, get a spray tan.

Gotta love the summertime!

Get Right Out of Town

As a stay at home mom, I enjoy any and every opportunity to get out of the house.  I took a mini day trip to Sutter Creek and had a delightful experience. Only 35 minutes from Folsom, this is the ideal place if you want to leave town without traveling too far away. This historic Gold Rush era town is loaded with great little shops, sights, and small town charm.  There are a couple places that stood out to me:

Tomorrow's Heirlooms- 49 Main Street Sutter Creek, Ca 95685
This adorable boutique carries clothing for women and babies and home accessories. I was enthralled with the attention to detail in display and girly vintage vibe. My favorite items were the Charlotte cardigans, colorful aprons, and vintage glittery signs. I had to tear myself away or else I could've stayed in there for hours.  Trust me, this store is worth driving out of town for.

Andrae's Bakery- 14141 Historic Highway 49 Amador City, Ca 95601
Located in Amador City, Ca (the next town over from Sutter Creek), this place further enforces that you cannot judge a book by its cover. On the outside, it looks like a country house. However, step inside and it's like walking into a mini David Berkeley's. The pastries are amazing; I recommend the pistachio chocolate chewies and vanilla short bread. They offer various olive oils, high end chocolates, and an impressive array of different sea salts (pink, grey, Hawaiian, take your pick).

Don't hesitate to take a quick and scenic drive out to Amador City and Sutter Creek.  You won't be dissapointed.

Battle of the Uninvited Bedfellow

I am in a battle; a knock down, drag out battle. The casualties are many. The opposition cannot be underestimated. Yes, I have been engaged in hand to hand combat with my almost two year old, Gavin. He has mastered the art of getting out of his crib. As a result, he visits us in the middle of the night. One night, he came into our room 8 times! Oh yeah, and the crying; I can't tell you how pleasant that is. We have tasted victory when Gavin stayed in his bed all night. However, we have also experienced defeat when we woke up and found him nestled in between us. He's a sneaky lil stinker.

I've looked for solutions online. The worst advice I read was that a family put a huge mattress in the baby's room and slept on that so that the baby would stay in his bed. Hmmmmm....I'm going to pass on that precious gem of advice. The best suggestion I've read was to stay consistent and patient. Every time he comes in our room, we quickly bring him back to his bed. Yet after three weeks of not getting a full night's sleep, my patience is wearing thin.

Somebody, anybody, everybody help! I am reaching out for good suggestions to win this war.

The Perfect Baby Name

A couple weeks ago, Ryan thought it would be fun to go to Borders and look at baby name books for ideas. Before I go on, I want to clarify that I am not pregnant. It was just for giggles. The names we found were more horrible than promising. Below is a list of the top ten worst baby names:

1. Dianca- Here is an example of taking a perfectly normal name like Diana and with one letter, screwing the whole thing up.
2. Kanessa- Vanessa, yes; Kanessa, no!
3. Erastus- This name is difficult to both say and hear.
4. Phosphorus- At what point did we start looking to the Periodic Table for baby names?
5. Clanidia- "Um hi, my name is Clanidia and this is my best friend, Gonnorhita."
6. Alfe- My my, how quickly we have forgotten about that 80's alien comedy.
7. Burr- That is not a name; it is a verbal response to coldness!
8. Foxania- Test your potential baby name by inserting it into the following sentences and see which is a better fit. 1. "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States ." 2. "And now on the main stage, Showgirls Strip Club is proud to present ."
9. Tender- Imagine your whole life introducing yourself as, "Hello, I'm Tender!"
10. Ishtar- Enough said.

If your name is on the list, my apologies. I did not mean to offend you. However, I would look into changing it if I were you.

Skinny Jeans

There comes a point, in every child's life, when mom stops making the decisions on what they wear. This journey has begun for me. For weeks, Bryce begged for a pair of skinny jeans. Skinny jeans? That's so emo! I had vetoed the idea until I overheard him saying to his cousin that he's the only kid in school without them. I remember being that girl who was about a step (and then some) behind everyone in fashion. While the everyone in my grade was wearing Air Jordans and pegging their pants, I wore knockoff Keds with my Lee Jeans (oh yeah, don't forget the neon laces...nice). What Bryce said bothered me enough that I realized that I did not want him to walk through those same insecurities.

I took him shopping and we found the perfect pair. They were his reward for making straight A's (again). While some boys wear new suits for Easter Sunday, my boy wore his skinny jeans with a tie and high tops. Bryce looked so handsome. It was like gazing upon the long lost Asian member of the Jonas Brothers.

This is just the beginning of letting go and allowing the kids to make their own decisions. Today it's skinny jeans, tomorrow it will be which college to attend or which girl to marry. Whether I like it or not, my boys are growing up. We raise our kids to think for themselves so that they can step into who they are supposed to be. It is great in theory, but bittersweet in action.

Loud Fish Bag

The fashion of a SAHM is...complicated. Even though most of us give an honest effort to look presentable to the world, sometimes we fall short. Below is an example of what I like to call, “When bad fashion happens to a good SAHM”.

I present to you, “The Loud Fish Bag”. Perfect for holding Capri Suns, toys to occupy kids at a restaurant, and a large bottle of hand sanitizer, this bag is hot for Summer 2010. The drawstring allows for easy access to your prized belongings. This bag is also versatile and can go from day to night. A SAHM could wear this stunning accessory to the PTA meetings at school then hit the town for a night out with the girls. Nothing says cocktail party chic like a “Loud Fish Bag”. My only question is, "Does it come with a coordinating whale wallet?"

I'm Not A Real Doctor, I Just Play One On TV

Greetings, I am Dr. Mom, the boo-boo kisser. Instead of diagnosing problems with science, I use good old common sense. My apothecary consists of hugs and kisses, not medicine. If that is not enough to satisfy the patient, I prescribe a round of tickles and 30 cc’s of milk.

Like a doctor, the work of a mom is never finished. Once a patient is treated, another one comes forward in need of help. New ailments roll in everyday, and as Dr. Mom, I have to find a way to treat it.

The relationship between a doctor and patient is similar to a parent and child. Both need each other. A mom needs someone to nurture, instruct, and love. A child yearns to be cared for, disciplined, and poured into. This cycle of give and take provides life and security to both parties.

The doctor and patient relationship also draws the same parallels in our relationship with the Lord. Sometimes, our doctor gives us advice that we don’t want to hear or disciplines us when we make health choices that could be detrimental. As a patient, we can either ignore or take heed of his/her advice. In Proverbs 4: 20-22, God (the Great Physician) says to us, “My son, pay attention to what I say; listen closely to my words. Do not let them out of your sight, keep them within your heart; for they are life to those who find them and health to a man’s whole body".  I can only provide a temporary relief if my child is hurting.  However, true health and vitality is found in Him alone.

God speaks to us and offers advice for our own good.  Isn’t it time that we started listening?

Basking in the Afterglow of Mother's Day

The other day, I jokingly mentioned that Mother’s Day should actually be Mother’s Weekend because one day is not long enough to celebrate everything that moms do. Little did I know, I was going to get what I wished for.

Friday night, I joined my mom and her friends for Mother/Daughter Dessert night at our church. The highlight of the night was when my mom and I wore matching necklaces. That will become a new tradition. It was a perfect kick start to my stellar weekend.

My brother surprised the ladies in our family, on Saturday, to one hour massages. The therapist utilized a lot of Thai techniques and by the end, I felt like Gumby. My mom described it as a, “gentle wrestling match”. There was one point when she was actually judo chopping the back of my head! It was different and wonderful.

On Sunday, I woke up to Bryce serving me blueberry pancakes in bed! Ryan had no idea that he was doing this; he just made his own plan to surprise me. Then Bryce took me outside for one of the most creative expressions of love that I have ever received. Ryan and Bryce wrote on our walkway and driveway wonderful little notes to me in sidewalk chalk. I was so overwhelmed with love. Later, we drove to Walnut Creek for an early dinner at my favorite restaurant, Tomatina (their garlic rolls and blood orange Italian sodas are the work of the Lord). On our way home, we made a pit stop for ice cream at Fenton’s in Vacaville. The evening ended with all four of us in our bed watching home videos on my Iphone. We laughed, we hugged, and I felt cherished and loved..

It’s good to be a mom.

Mom's Handbag

In honor of Mother’s Day, I have written a poem...this is me being deep.

"Mom’s Handbag"
by me

You wonder why my purse is not small,
Do I really need all the stuff that I haul?
If you take a look inside you’ll see,
All of the things I need to be me.

A 20 foot hose to put out fires,
Elbow grease to change flat tires,
A mixing bowl to prepare yummy meals,
A watchful eye to find good deals,
A wooden spoon to spank little buns,
And loving arms to comfort my sons,
A listening ear for all of life’s issues,
A Ziploc bag to hold dirty tissues,
Stories for kiddos who can’t fall sleep,
A Shutterfly book for memories to keep,
A comb and product to fix everyone’s hair,
And patience when lecturing little blank stares,
Constant reminders for kids to say, “please”,
Bactine and Band aids to treat scraped up knees,
A Bible to spend time with the Master,
A cell phone for pizza when dinner’s a disaster,
A night light to ward off a fear of the dark,
And bleach for grass stains and permanent pen marks,
A whistle to break up sibling fights,
And concealer to cover up sleepless nights,
Big and small, I have it all, right here in my handbag.

Happy Mama's Day!!!

God has called my son to be Superman...

Below is yet another funny conversation between me and my eight year old son, Bryce.

Bryce: Hey Mom, I don’t want to freak you out, but something weird just happened.
Mom: What is it?
Bryce: (takes a deep breath) Okay, so I picked up the toothpaste to put it on my toothbrush, put it down and, then just stared at it for two minutes. Then I picked it up again and the toothpaste was warm!
Mom: Okay...
Bryce: Mom, do you think it’s possible that I might have...laser eyes?
Mom: Laser eyes? (I mean seriously, where does he get this stuff from?)
Bryce: Yeah, I mean I pick it up, put it down, and then stare at it for a long time then the toothpaste is warm. That’s weird.
Mom: Maybe it was already warm and you didn’t notice it till the second time you picked it up.
Bryce: Oh no, it was cold the first time.
Mom: Well, maybe it got warm from you handling it.
Bryce: No Mom, it got warm from me staring at it. Do you think I have laser eyes?
Mom: I doubt it. But that is pretty weird. Only Superman has laser eyes and he’s not a real person.
Bryce: (He’s quiet for a second then has an “Aha” moment) Maybe God is finally answering my prayer and making me into a superhero!

Maybe, son. Maybe.

Gettin’ Rowdy at Costco

It was time to restock on diapers for Gavin, so I ran to Costco. It’s, supposedly, the best price for what I’m getting. My only goal was to grab a 400 pack and get home. $110 later, I loaded a box of diapers, a bucket of granola, peanut butter filled pretzel nuggets, and two toddler outfits into my Mini Cooper trunk. Did I really save ANY money?

I think every Costco visit can be summarized as this- I go in with a mission to buy ONE thing, and leave with my tail between my legs and a huge receipt in my wallet.

I think all of this spending at Costco can bring out the worst in people. On Monday, I was in line buying my staples (diapers and Ziploc bags). While waiting, my parents called and asked me to talk them through sending an email on the iPhone. As I'm on the phone, I loaded my items on the conveyor belt for checkout. Then I pushed my shopping cart behind the clerk so that they could wheel it through and load my cart.

Well, I guess I didn't push it aside enough because a cantankerous old lady behind me intentionally slammed her cart into mine in an attempt to move it out of the way. It was like watching bumper cars! Then she hurled one of those divider sticks on the conveyor belt like a football player who just scored a touchdown. She concluded her grown up tantrum with angrily loading an excessive amount of tissue boxes onto the belt. This all happened while I was on the phone trying to explain the difference between a subject line and the cc:/bcc: line to my parents. I was close to grabbing that lady by her turquoise Santa Fe sweatshirt and getting South Sac on her. If that wasn't enough, her husband wheeled their cart around and came within a few inches of hitting Gavin! Venom rays of hate shot from my eyes! Realizing that fighting an old lady is not a popular thing to do; I got off the phone and scrambled to get out of there ASAP.

Costco is now the land of bulk and brawls.

Turn your TV off!

I love TV. However, it sometimes stunts our creativity. Inundated with images in HD and larger than life sound systems, we ignore the simple joys of life. Last week, we turned off the television for the night and hung out as a family. We played a game that involved taking a three foot stick and each one of us pretended the stick was something else. We laughed so hard at what we came up with. Below is a list of the things we imagined the stick to be:

1. Pen
2. Paint roller
3. Rifle
4. A horse to ride
5. Pool stick.
6. The candle thingy that goes on top of a unicorn’s head
7. Oar for a boat
8. Skateboard
9. Bryce laid the stick on the ground, sat on it, and called it a curb
10. Broom
11. Cane
12. Pinocchio’s nose
13. Something to be eaten then pooped out (Leave it to Bryce to think of that one)
14. Limbo stick
15. Telescope
16. Sword
17. A peg leg
18. Bar for bench pressing
19. Microphone
20. Guitar
21. Gavin, our 19 month old kept dancing with the stick every time it was his turn. I guess it could be a dancing partner.

Who knew a stick could be so fun?

Thank you Mr. Easter Bunny

Easter is over. Bye bye pastel baskets and paper grass filler that keeps reappearing every time I sweep the floor. However, in the aftermath of Easter, you are left with a mountain of chocolate. What are you supposed to do with all this stuff? I have an answer.

Post-Easter Fondue
2 Chocolate Bunnies
1 Tbsp of butter
Strawberries

Melt butter, bunnies, and any other chocolates you have in a double boiler. Once the chocolate and butter have melted, immediately transfer into a fondue pot. Serve and soak up the accolades associated with making a fancy dessert.

For $2.50 (the cost of the strawberries), I just made sweet magic and I don’t have to look at those half-eaten chocolate bunnies in my cabinet. Yeah, you’re welcome.

Maybe A Tapeworm Isn't So Bad...

Spring is in the air. The birds are chirping and the flowers are blooming. Another integral part of spring is “Spring Cleaning”. I embarked upon a spring cleaning of my insides. Yes, I participated in a detox. For five days, my husband, friends, and I will not eat butter, sugar, or bacon (which are three major food groups for me). Perusing the meal plan prior to the detox, I thought our upcoming menu was feasible. The meals seemed appetizing and I don’t have to eat a tapeworm, which is always a plus.

Day 1- Lunch was the best meal of the day. I was amazed at how much I grab for snacks in the cabinet. This is forcing me to eat fruit and vegetables (ewwww). Even though I am eating more, I’m starving. This feeling reminds me of being pregnant (which I’m not!).

Day 2- Crap! I was preparing my lunch and my salmon exploded in the microwave. No, not popped...exploded. I still had to choke it down. I hate this diet.

Day 3- It feels like I’ve been doing this detox for ten days, not three. Crankiness is setting in.

Day 4- The thought of choking down another flavorless tilapia filet makes me edgy. As I squeezed lemon over the beloved fish, a light at the end of the tunnel appeared. Our friends called off the detox and said to come over for pizza and ice cream! It was glorious!

Okay, so we didn’t go the whole five days, so what? The insatiable need for pizza grease and coffee ice cream clouded my good judgment. We stopped a little short of our five day goal. However, since then, I’ve developed healthier eating habits. My lunch now consists of real food instead of cookies  Mmm...cookies.

Now Hiring

Why can’t a SAHM have a job description? Remember those? It’s what you receive, when you’ve been job offered by your potential boss. The writers of these do the best they can to provide an accurate picture of the tasks required. However, we all know that there are duties that get glossed over. If a SAHM had a job description, here’s one that should be defined more clearly.

Cleaning
Yes, yes, I know cleaning is part of it. However, I have a theory. I believe that toys have the same genetic makeup as rabbits. I say this because my sons’ toys keep multiplying. When I put away a Lego, I turn around to find 5 more and they’re all wedged under the couch! Every corner I turn, a toy awaits me. Maybe Toy Story is real and all toys are alive. If that is the case, they are on a mission to annoy the heck out of me. In my house, toys aren’t the only thing on the ground. My youngest loves cooking so amongst the stackable blocks and board books are salad tongs and Tupperware. (On a side note, salad tongs are really painful to step on, so put those away ASAP)

Cleaning includes organizing and organizing requires  details that no one cares about. I’m talking about reworking the pen drawer, dvd cupboard and sock basket that no one notices. You know those areas of the house that are hidden from your guests but not from your own watchful eyes. The rest of the house may be a disaster, but at least my pen drawer has two distinct compartments- one for pens and one for pencils, darn it! Even though organizing can be tedious, it is vital to keep this machine of a household functioning. (At least, that’s what I tell myself when I’m restacking the DVDs and video games in the cabinet for the millionth time)

So this is just one requirement of the job. There are plenty more that I will discuss at a later time. After reading my own job description, I accept the position. Now, let’s negotiate my salary.

Just a Hole Instead

It was inevitable. At some point a child will ask the question that every parent dreads to answer. This time Ryan answered the questions to avoid the debacle from family meeting about cursing. Check the blog, "Family Meetings and a Can of Coke" if you don't know what I'm talking about.

Bryce- Where do babies come from?

Me- Uhhh...From a momma.

Bryce- Yeah but out of what body part?  Do they come from a momma's stomach?

Me- Yes, sometimes they come out of a momma’s stomach.  That's called a c-section.  Ryan, do you want to handle this?

Ryan- Has anyone ever said anything about it?  I will answer any questions you might have, okay?

Bryce- No one has said anything.

Ryan- Well, they come out of a mom’s private part.

Bryce- Her butt?  Or, do you mean like a crotch?

Ryan- Yes, exactly like a crotch.  Women have a private part called a vagina.

Bryce- (laughing) A vagina?  That's a funny word. (He starts repeating the word "vagina" to himself because it sounds weird) Wait, you mean girls don't have wieners?

Ryan- No, boys have a penis or wiener and girls have a vagina.

Bryce- (laughing in disbelief) I'm not even gonna ask...What does it look like?

Ryan- No, you can ask.  Just picture your wiener and balls except there's no wiener and balls and just a hole instead.

Bryce- (Laughing again) That's weird.

Ryan- You can always ask Daddy about anything because Daddy knows and will always answer honest.  You're my champ.

That was beautifully handled, Ryan. From that conversation came one of the best quotes from Bryce and possibly his greatest revelation, "Wait, you mean girls don't have wieners?"

I Guess It Could Be Worse...

The age of 30 is knocking at my door and I greet it with mixed emotions. Goodbye youthful 20’s; hello responsible 30’s. In order to make myself feel better, I have created a list of 30 things that are WORSE than turning 30:

1. Kevin Costner movies (He can’t act. End of story.)
2. Nascar
3. Coming home from a week long vacation to an ant infested house (this one is based on personal experience)
4. Listening to people who still quote lines from “Austin Powers”
5. Carmen music videos (Who's in the house? JC)
6. Trampoline and rhythmic gymnastics
7. Leftover Taco Bell
8. Trying to understand the plot to the second Matrix movie
9. Fake flowers in front yards
10. Everyone in the house having the stomach flu at the same time
11. Anything with raisins
12. The idea of a “Saved by the Bell” reunion movie (just leave it alone)
13. Someone asking if you’re pregnant when you’re not (that happened to me, too.)
14. Strangers who try to make conversation in an elevator
15. Rat tails
16. Washing my car then it rains the next day
17. Bolo ties
18. Geico commercials featuring the caveman
19. Traffic jams for no reason
20. Farmville on facebook (why is that popular?)
21. Wearing painful shoes at Disneyland.
22. Trying a new recipe where you have to buy a bunch of new grocery items and it sucks
23. Being asked by your child, “What is sex?” (again, that happened to me)
24. Close-talkers
25. “Everything I Do” by Bryan Adams
26. Uggs (Yeah, I said it.)
27. Pink eye
28. Folding laundry and finding socks with no pair
29. Jay Leno hosting “The Tonight Show” again. (I’m with Coco)
30. Overuse of the word “epic”

Family Meetings and a Can of Coke...

It’s not everyday when my son calls a “family meeting”. In my mind, family meetings involve heavy conversations, some crying, a resolution and hugs. This was going to be interesting. Ryan and I sat at the foot of Bryce’s bed awaiting the topic of discussion. Bryce looked up at God for strength, took a deep breath and mustered up all of his courage to ask us, “Have you ever done anything really bad like say a bad word or hit anyone?” My son is incredibly innocent and, in his eight year old mindset, saying curse words is quite possibly the unpardonable sin.
Ryan answered in a very kind, fatherly way. He let him know that Daddy has made mistakes but God still loves him. Ryan gave a couple examples of when he messed up and how he received forgiveness. He told Bryce that his mom and dad used to pray with him to stop saying bad words and we can do the same for him. Wow, good answer Ryan. Ok, now it’s my turn to share some pearls of wisdom.

I admitted that I had said bad words and that people say those things for different reasons (i.e. bad language can be used out of anger, to be cool in front of friends, etc.). Then I explained to him that I used to have a cursing problem in 4th grade. Once, I had foolishly cursed in front of my parents because I opened a can of soda and it exploded. I concluded with letting him know that people make mistakes and that he can talk to us if he is struggling.

I think that portion of the lesson was completely lost on Bryce. I looked at my sweet, pure boy and his eyes were huge. He was in absolute disbelief that his mom would commit something that is so deplorable. He was speechless for a few seconds. Then he asked Ryan, “Dad, did you know Mom back then? Why would you want to marry someone who says bad words? I mean, who gets that mad over a can of soda?”

Maybe Ryan should be the only one to talk at family meetings…

Party in the USA! Now, how do you turn this thing on?

I used to work at Nordstrom, an environment where the expectation was to stay knowledgeable about current fashion trends and forecasting future trends. Now, that I am a SAHM, I am cut off from that world. If I want to know how pop culture influences the next season’s fashion or hot items for Fall 2010, I have to do the research on my own. That’s a lot of work and I’m not sure if I can find the time between all the cooking and cleaning.

I am fearful of becoming so wrapped up in my world of managing my household that I lose connection with the outside world. I am frightened of walking into a tornado of Lysol disinfectant spray and PTA meetings. When I am finally spit out of the vortex, I will be wearing “the Rachel” haircut and sensible shoes.

I know it’s inevitable. Everyone slips into that state where we start showing our age and lack of coolness. Easily recognizable signs include:

• Quoting lines from movies that no one remembers or even heard of
• Recalling time periods in life based on the price of gas at that time (i.e. “I remember my junior prom. It was right around the time that gas hit $1.10”)
• Seeing fashion trends re-emerge and saying, “I remember when leg warmers first came out…15-20 years ago.”

Then there is the opposite extreme. I am referring to the moms who desperately try to stay cool that they turn juvenile. You know the type. What if I wore the same clothes as my 15 year old daughter and had Miley Cyrus on my ipod that I didn’t know how to use (Party in the USA, right?). Picture me strutting about in an Ed Hardy trucker cap and ridiculously thinking that I can keep up with the younger girls. Trying to stay youthful and fresh is one thing but reliving the glory days is another. Not cool.

So what’s the answer? How do I walk the line between in touch, cool mom and growing older gracefully?

Double the dosage...

SAHMs (stay at home moms) should have a commercial.  Yes, I said a commercial.  One that promotes the joy, fulfillment and side effects of becoming a SAHM.  I'm thinking the commercial should follow the same format that medications like Zyrtec and Yaz have.  It would feature non-stop pleasant images that portray the freedom that comes with being a SAHM.  Here are some image ideas:

• A mom pushing her child on a swing
• A mom cheering on her son as he scores the winning soccer goal while handing out snacks
• Loving hands pulling fresh baked cookies out of the oven
• Pulling up in the minivan and kissing the children as they skip off to school
• Cycling on the beach.  (this image is standard in all drug commercials and I will uphold the tradition)

Ok, ok you get the picture.  The best part of the drug commercial is when they run through the laundry list of side effects that result from taking the drug.  My personal favorite is oily flatulence (is that not a red flag or what?).  The side effects are usually stated by the narrator while they continually roll the pleasant images.  However, the SAHM commercial will feature a visual image of each of the side effects.  Picture this, side effects may include, but are not limited to:

• The intense desire to wear "Mom Jeans" and white leather Keds.
• Incorrect usuage of outdated cultural references (i.e. "Son, would you like a cookie, they're cowabunga!")
• Excessive poo clean-up.  (The image will be of a mom cleaning poo from under her nails)
• Carpal tunnel due to excessive laundry folding.
• Deafness to childrens' whining.
• Last but certainly not least...oily flatulence.  (Hey, it could happen)

If your symptoms persist, please contact your physician immediately.

Instead of a golf ball, we can use cottage cheese...

One of the first things we did, as a family, since I became a SAHM was take a family vacation. Destination...Disneyland. Our plan was simple. We would wake up at 4:30am and be on the road by 5:00am. By the time the kids woke up around 9am, we would be more than halfway there. It was genius.

However, things don't always work out. Our son, Bryce, came into our room at 9:00am asking why we had not left yet. 9:00 am? Omigosh, we are four hours behind schedule! We threw our stuff in the car as fast as we could and headed out.

We were on the road in the middle of morning traffic, however, that was not going to ruin our vacation glee. Oh, did I mention a huge accident occured and it took 30 minutes just to go 2 miles? Still, the collision of all collisions could not squelch our excitement.

Our youngest son, Gavin, started coughing in the backseat. He had been battling a cold for two weeks and it seemed like he was getting better ("seemed" is the operative word). Unfortunately, he would not stop coughing. Growing more concerned, I turn around and helplessly watched my son throw up what looked like golf balls of cottage cheese. The look on Gavin's face was priceless as his eyes grew huge because his little mouth was not big enough to handle all of the vomit that was coming out. I immediately launched into the backseat to clean up this sour smelling mess. I did the best I could with the few resources that were available. We were forced to go back home, but don't forget, we were stuck in traffic so it wasn't as easy as make a U-turn and the house was around the corner. We were forced to wait...and wait.

If getting off to a late start and being stuck in traffic didn't kill the vibe, then pungent throw up sure did.

Needless to say, we finally made it to Anaheim, even if it was four hours behind schedule. Disneyland magically erases the horrible memories of getting there. We had a fantastic time...golf balls and all.

Every journey begins with a single step...

Okay, so I'm officially joining the millions of others who "blog". I've never fully understood the concept as I am not the most tech-savvy person. My only interaction with the "interwebs" includes excessive facebook use and online shopping.

I don't want to babble too much, so let me get straight to the point. I am a SAHM (stay at home mom). I recently quit my job as a visual stylist for Nordstrom and decided to become a SAHM to be more available to my family. Join me as I share my adventures of transitioning from a full-time working mom to SAHM. Every journey has its share of ups and downs with a lot of laughter and heart mixed in. This is a glimpse of my life as a SAHM...