Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Maybe A Tapeworm Isn't So Bad...

Spring is in the air. The birds are chirping and the flowers are blooming. Another integral part of spring is “Spring Cleaning”. I embarked upon a spring cleaning of my insides. Yes, I participated in a detox. For five days, my husband, friends, and I will not eat butter, sugar, or bacon (which are three major food groups for me). Perusing the meal plan prior to the detox, I thought our upcoming menu was feasible. The meals seemed appetizing and I don’t have to eat a tapeworm, which is always a plus.

Day 1- Lunch was the best meal of the day. I was amazed at how much I grab for snacks in the cabinet. This is forcing me to eat fruit and vegetables (ewwww). Even though I am eating more, I’m starving. This feeling reminds me of being pregnant (which I’m not!).

Day 2- Crap! I was preparing my lunch and my salmon exploded in the microwave. No, not popped...exploded. I still had to choke it down. I hate this diet.

Day 3- It feels like I’ve been doing this detox for ten days, not three. Crankiness is setting in.

Day 4- The thought of choking down another flavorless tilapia filet makes me edgy. As I squeezed lemon over the beloved fish, a light at the end of the tunnel appeared. Our friends called off the detox and said to come over for pizza and ice cream! It was glorious!

Okay, so we didn’t go the whole five days, so what? The insatiable need for pizza grease and coffee ice cream clouded my good judgment. We stopped a little short of our five day goal. However, since then, I’ve developed healthier eating habits. My lunch now consists of real food instead of cookies  Mmm...cookies.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Now Hiring

Why can’t a SAHM have a job description? Remember those? It’s what you receive, when you’ve been job offered by your potential boss. The writers of these do the best they can to provide an accurate picture of the tasks required. However, we all know that there are duties that get glossed over. If a SAHM had a job description, here’s one that should be defined more clearly.

Yes, yes, I know cleaning is part of it. However, I have a theory. I believe that toys have the same genetic makeup as rabbits. I say this because my sons’ toys keep multiplying. When I put away a Lego, I turn around to find 5 more and they’re all wedged under the couch! Every corner I turn, a toy awaits me. Maybe Toy Story is real and all toys are alive. If that is the case, they are on a mission to annoy the heck out of me. In my house, toys aren’t the only thing on the ground. My youngest loves cooking so amongst the stackable blocks and board books are salad tongs and Tupperware. (On a side note, salad tongs are really painful to step on, so put those away ASAP)

Cleaning includes organizing and organizing requires  details that no one cares about. I’m talking about reworking the pen drawer, dvd cupboard and sock basket that no one notices. You know those areas of the house that are hidden from your guests but not from your own watchful eyes. The rest of the house may be a disaster, but at least my pen drawer has two distinct compartments- one for pens and one for pencils, darn it! Even though organizing can be tedious, it is vital to keep this machine of a household functioning. (At least, that’s what I tell myself when I’m restacking the DVDs and video games in the cabinet for the millionth time)

So this is just one requirement of the job. There are plenty more that I will discuss at a later time. After reading my own job description, I accept the position. Now, let’s negotiate my salary.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Just a Hole Instead

It was inevitable. At some point a child will ask the question that every parent dreads to answer. This time Ryan answered the questions to avoid the debacle from family meeting about cursing. Check the blog, "Family Meetings and a Can of Coke" if you don't know what I'm talking about.

Bryce- Where do babies come from?

Me- Uhhh...From a momma.

Bryce- Yeah but out of what body part?  Do they come from a momma's stomach?

Me- Yes, sometimes they come out of a momma’s stomach.  That's called a c-section.  Ryan, do you want to handle this?

Ryan- Has anyone ever said anything about it?  I will answer any questions you might have, okay?

Bryce- No one has said anything.

Ryan- Well, they come out of a mom’s private part.

Bryce- Her butt?  Or, do you mean like a crotch?

Ryan- Yes, exactly like a crotch.  Women have a private part called a vagina.

Bryce- (laughing) A vagina?  That's a funny word. (He starts repeating the word "vagina" to himself because it sounds weird) Wait, you mean girls don't have wieners?

Ryan- No, boys have a penis or wiener and girls have a vagina.

Bryce- (laughing in disbelief) I'm not even gonna ask...What does it look like?

Ryan- No, you can ask.  Just picture your wiener and balls except there's no wiener and balls and just a hole instead.

Bryce- (Laughing again) That's weird.

Ryan- You can always ask Daddy about anything because Daddy knows and will always answer honest.  You're my champ.

That was beautifully handled, Ryan. From that conversation came one of the best quotes from Bryce and possibly his greatest revelation, "Wait, you mean girls don't have wieners?"