I Guess It Could Be Worse...

The age of 30 is knocking at my door and I greet it with mixed emotions. Goodbye youthful 20’s; hello responsible 30’s. In order to make myself feel better, I have created a list of 30 things that are WORSE than turning 30:

1. Kevin Costner movies (He can’t act. End of story.)
2. Nascar
3. Coming home from a week long vacation to an ant infested house (this one is based on personal experience)
4. Listening to people who still quote lines from “Austin Powers”
5. Carmen music videos (Who's in the house? JC)
6. Trampoline and rhythmic gymnastics
7. Leftover Taco Bell
8. Trying to understand the plot to the second Matrix movie
9. Fake flowers in front yards
10. Everyone in the house having the stomach flu at the same time
11. Anything with raisins
12. The idea of a “Saved by the Bell” reunion movie (just leave it alone)
13. Someone asking if you’re pregnant when you’re not (that happened to me, too.)
14. Strangers who try to make conversation in an elevator
15. Rat tails
16. Washing my car then it rains the next day
17. Bolo ties
18. Geico commercials featuring the caveman
19. Traffic jams for no reason
20. Farmville on facebook (why is that popular?)
21. Wearing painful shoes at Disneyland.
22. Trying a new recipe where you have to buy a bunch of new grocery items and it sucks
23. Being asked by your child, “What is sex?” (again, that happened to me)
24. Close-talkers
25. “Everything I Do” by Bryan Adams
26. Uggs (Yeah, I said it.)
27. Pink eye
28. Folding laundry and finding socks with no pair
29. Jay Leno hosting “The Tonight Show” again. (I’m with Coco)
30. Overuse of the word “epic”

Family Meetings and a Can of Coke...

It’s not everyday when my son calls a “family meeting”. In my mind, family meetings involve heavy conversations, some crying, a resolution and hugs. This was going to be interesting. Ryan and I sat at the foot of Bryce’s bed awaiting the topic of discussion. Bryce looked up at God for strength, took a deep breath and mustered up all of his courage to ask us, “Have you ever done anything really bad like say a bad word or hit anyone?” My son is incredibly innocent and, in his eight year old mindset, saying curse words is quite possibly the unpardonable sin.
Ryan answered in a very kind, fatherly way. He let him know that Daddy has made mistakes but God still loves him. Ryan gave a couple examples of when he messed up and how he received forgiveness. He told Bryce that his mom and dad used to pray with him to stop saying bad words and we can do the same for him. Wow, good answer Ryan. Ok, now it’s my turn to share some pearls of wisdom.

I admitted that I had said bad words and that people say those things for different reasons (i.e. bad language can be used out of anger, to be cool in front of friends, etc.). Then I explained to him that I used to have a cursing problem in 4th grade. Once, I had foolishly cursed in front of my parents because I opened a can of soda and it exploded. I concluded with letting him know that people make mistakes and that he can talk to us if he is struggling.

I think that portion of the lesson was completely lost on Bryce. I looked at my sweet, pure boy and his eyes were huge. He was in absolute disbelief that his mom would commit something that is so deplorable. He was speechless for a few seconds. Then he asked Ryan, “Dad, did you know Mom back then? Why would you want to marry someone who says bad words? I mean, who gets that mad over a can of soda?”

Maybe Ryan should be the only one to talk at family meetings…

Party in the USA! Now, how do you turn this thing on?

I used to work at Nordstrom, an environment where the expectation was to stay knowledgeable about current fashion trends and forecasting future trends. Now, that I am a SAHM, I am cut off from that world. If I want to know how pop culture influences the next season’s fashion or hot items for Fall 2010, I have to do the research on my own. That’s a lot of work and I’m not sure if I can find the time between all the cooking and cleaning.

I am fearful of becoming so wrapped up in my world of managing my household that I lose connection with the outside world. I am frightened of walking into a tornado of Lysol disinfectant spray and PTA meetings. When I am finally spit out of the vortex, I will be wearing “the Rachel” haircut and sensible shoes.

I know it’s inevitable. Everyone slips into that state where we start showing our age and lack of coolness. Easily recognizable signs include:

• Quoting lines from movies that no one remembers or even heard of
• Recalling time periods in life based on the price of gas at that time (i.e. “I remember my junior prom. It was right around the time that gas hit $1.10”)
• Seeing fashion trends re-emerge and saying, “I remember when leg warmers first came out…15-20 years ago.”

Then there is the opposite extreme. I am referring to the moms who desperately try to stay cool that they turn juvenile. You know the type. What if I wore the same clothes as my 15 year old daughter and had Miley Cyrus on my ipod that I didn’t know how to use (Party in the USA, right?). Picture me strutting about in an Ed Hardy trucker cap and ridiculously thinking that I can keep up with the younger girls. Trying to stay youthful and fresh is one thing but reliving the glory days is another. Not cool.

So what’s the answer? How do I walk the line between in touch, cool mom and growing older gracefully?

Double the dosage...

SAHMs (stay at home moms) should have a commercial.  Yes, I said a commercial.  One that promotes the joy, fulfillment and side effects of becoming a SAHM.  I'm thinking the commercial should follow the same format that medications like Zyrtec and Yaz have.  It would feature non-stop pleasant images that portray the freedom that comes with being a SAHM.  Here are some image ideas:

• A mom pushing her child on a swing
• A mom cheering on her son as he scores the winning soccer goal while handing out snacks
• Loving hands pulling fresh baked cookies out of the oven
• Pulling up in the minivan and kissing the children as they skip off to school
• Cycling on the beach.  (this image is standard in all drug commercials and I will uphold the tradition)

Ok, ok you get the picture.  The best part of the drug commercial is when they run through the laundry list of side effects that result from taking the drug.  My personal favorite is oily flatulence (is that not a red flag or what?).  The side effects are usually stated by the narrator while they continually roll the pleasant images.  However, the SAHM commercial will feature a visual image of each of the side effects.  Picture this, side effects may include, but are not limited to:

• The intense desire to wear "Mom Jeans" and white leather Keds.
• Incorrect usuage of outdated cultural references (i.e. "Son, would you like a cookie, they're cowabunga!")
• Excessive poo clean-up.  (The image will be of a mom cleaning poo from under her nails)
• Carpal tunnel due to excessive laundry folding.
• Deafness to childrens' whining.
• Last but certainly not least...oily flatulence.  (Hey, it could happen)

If your symptoms persist, please contact your physician immediately.